nobody shaves here anymore

Facial hair is what makes the real difference between a man and a woman. It defines masculinity! Everytime I see a girl I want to walk up to them and say, "Hey! Can you grow hair on your face?!"
Chances are they'll say "Why no you manly man, I cannot for I am just a girl!"

That's right, I can grow hair on my friggin' face. Because I'm a MAN. Shaving is for pussies too. I trust dudes with beards. If I'm at a shop and there's a salesman with hair all over his face like it's a caveman special, I'll choose him. I can look at him and know that he is dedicated. So dedicated that he doesn't even have time to shave. Not like those other clean, fake salesmen.

See, not only does facial hair mean manliness, it also means dedication, genius and creativity. You just know someone with a beard has things on his mind that you could never fathom unless you also had a beard of equal or greater value. Look at the wise old men with their foot-long beards. They know what I'm talking about because they've got it all on their face.

But the non-bearders don't get it. They can't. There's much prejudice against the unshaven man from wives to girlfriends to random people walking around. They assume you're crazy or dirty. The audacity of such a thought!

Once upon a time my car broke down and I had to walk to the nearest shop to purchase credit so my phone could be more useful (already signs of genius thanks to the facial hair I was sporting that morning). I was in an odd mood; tired, disorientated and joyous. I followed my beard's lead and happened upon a lovely old lady running a register. I shocked her with anti-stereotypes and probably made her morning better than the previous customers who apparently pulled the old "I'm a customer and you're not" trick.

I told her about my morning in a very happy, possibly drug-induced manner and we laughed and I went on my way. I thought this was great. I was the edgy homeless guy with genius behind facial hair.

More recently I was shunned. My brother got the "How are you?" and fake smile and I got the silent look. The silent look! Clearly she was confusing me with someone else or she was so overwhelmed with attraction and awe that she shriveled into a shell and could barely speak. One touch and she'd have collapsed in sheer orgasm. Or looked at me silently.

So I shaved. The world is not ready for the genius and looks. It took 2 razors - well, one and a half - to bring the bad boy down but I survived and returned to less manly attributes. Oh, but it'll be back. It always comes back.

You see, you can never destroy genius.

- G ζ.

and now sit back and decide
or enjoy the decision of others
if intentions should collide
then really it's time for another
choose once, and again
my indecisive friend