shameless plug

Another week has passed by and where do we all sit now? In chairs, I assume. A week is hardly a long enough time frame to induce change, but here I beg to differ. Once again this wonderful part of the web has a new look. Something about the transparent squares of the last one irked me. I think it was the fact that it had a banner I didn't create myself created this feeling. So it had to go.

This layout is as pleasant as it is modest. I can look at it and imagine sitting in a log cabin on a quiet evening and writing in a journal, with my thoughts as company. Maybe there's a candle lighting the room. It adds a nice touch, but is also a fire hazard when romanticism meets reality.

This week is also a week of realisations. It marks the week where I sit down, exasperated, and declare certain truths to the world, or the wall, whatever listens the best. One such truth is that plugs (the kind that go in bathtubs, sinks and whatnot) inadvertently disappear on me. Some people have pens, others have socks, that vanish over and over. I am fine with socks. As for pens, I am the guy who has all the pens. But not plugs. This week I have been forced to improvise 3 different ways to prevent water from emptying into a drain. I get the feeling I am going to be stretched to the limit as far as this goes.

Nevertheless, being the generous individual that I am, I will share the three methods I have used with success.

Uno: "Almost a Plug Plug" A lid the same size as the drain hole. It has to fit flush, but not tight with the opening. Just slip it in upside-down and pwow! You have a plug. It may seem difficult to get out, but trust me, it is possible as long as you didn't pick a lid that you had to force into the drain hole.

Due: "Pressure Plug" This one is simple. Just imagine putting a brick over a drain hole and apply the same principle with other objects, like a cup or large lid. Place it over the hole and weigh it down. Sometimes you don't even have to use a weight - the water will provide it, as long as you can hold the item in place.

Tre: "Desperate Plug" Plastic wrapping, cloth and a small lid, or similar object, is what you will need. Place the plastic over the hole and put the cloth over the top. Push the cloth down into the hole and apply the small, or similar object to hold it in place while the water is filling.

All three methods work, believe it or not. If they don't, either I fluked it or you aren't doing it right. Experiment! Or just use real plugs.

Another truth is that phones and me do not get along. I dislike answering machines, first of all - it's hard to explain, but there's something about them that doesn't appeal to me. MessageBank is included in this. I believe it could be due to the fact that every mobile I have owned transmits my voice at a frequency humans can't hear. At first I thought I might speak too softly, but this belief has been quashed since I have used both VoIP and a landline with a softer voice and I have never heard the words "I can't hear you."

But mobiles have to be different. I figure when you yell into a phone and the other person can't hear you, it should because they are in a very loud place, like a construction site or standing next to a jet engine at a rock concert. I worked for a place selling phones. Nobody ever came in and said "People can't hear me when I speak." Maybe because they were mute and couldn't, or maybe I am the only one cursed.

Don't even get me started on call barring.

As if the battle of missing plugs and communication wasn't enough, I have discovered that instruction manuals are out to get me. I think the score so far is: Manuals, 4; Greg, 2. The latest attack occurred while trying to start a lawn mower. I know; it's not rocket science. This is just another moment where I should ignore what an instruction manual is saying and figure it out myself, because unless it is rocket science, I don't need the instruction. I felt pretty dumb taking it back into the store to see what was going on. I knew straight away what it was: the manual instructed the reader in a way that was opposite to what works. I don't know what the deal with these things is. Either somebody somewhere is having way too much fun messing with me or I have reading comprehension issues. I am certain it is not the latter. I tend to read things many times before saying "Right, I got this." Now I will stop reading and ritually burn the instruction manuals. And I won't even glance at the instructions on how to use a lighter or box of matches.

Burn baby burn.

- G ζ.

it took me by surprise
such sweetness was conveyed
i fear I may be dreaming
such a gentle kiss to ears
I want to listen a while longer

americanised

I thought I was writing a blog entry until I realised, 1000 words in, that I was writing a story. I think my creative genius is becoming impatient with me. It wants to get serious, but I keep flirting with ideas and not committing. I promise I will remedy this, creative genius, because writing a short story in a blog is like saying the wrong person's name during sex. It was a close call.

I'm back working now, which is apparently cause for laughter or disdainful expressions to some people. Whatever. I'll return the favour and support when I am earning three times as much as them because I sucked up my pride. I'll also send pictures of all the things I can afford and they never will. Ha!

Being mean aside, I had a visitor from California. The timing was great, since I was on days off and could play tour guide for this wonderful place we call Japan... I mean Cairns. Seriously, even Poon (the dude visiting) was in awe at the Japanese population present. It was the first thing he noticed! That, and probably the poor weather. Not that I mind the rain at all, it's just that when you want to see the reef, it's not a great time for it.

Nevertheless, we braved the boat trip and saw the reef against all odds and currents. It might have been windy, rough and Japanese-ridden, but there were fish! FISH! An elderly woman hero-worshiped our valiant swimming efforts. We were the pioneers to her.

On the return trip, the Vomiting Orchestra performed once more, though not in all its surround-sound glory like the first trip. We held our lunch with ease, even while living on the edge.

After the stormy reef visit, we met up the next day to check out the Skyrail. I was a little annoyed to discover that the weather had improved (marginally, but enough to make a difference) despite the all-wise ticket lady's information. I'd never been on the Skyrail, so it was all new to me. New, as in, the trees looked different from above. And closer. Not much fauna can be seen, but it's an interesting way to get into Kuranda. Much better than spending the time driving, especially since Kuranda is like a giant shopping center with streets.

Next was the Mangrove boardwalk. Poon was convinced I wasn't serious when I first mentioned this, but he soon find out the joke was him! Or something. Anyway, I hadn't been on that boardwalk since the fifth grade. I had memories of things thrown in the mud and girls being chased with sticks. I hope I was informative. I managed to convince myself I knew what I was talking about, except when we came across bizarre holy spheres. It was strange to see trees with more roots than Paris Hilton (only Aussies will get the root reference) and mud skippers. I forgot how odd they are.

The nighttime was a time of meeting other Cairns folks who Poon knew. Of course, venues were mixed up so we were forced to steal bread from Fasta Pasta before making a dash to another restuarant. I may have to wear a mustache when I visit Fasta Pasta next.

It was good to see the crew again. Even though I stopped playing the same game, they are great people and interesting to boot! The stereotype for gamers just doesn't fit for those I have met so far. Sure, you might not understand some conversations, or relate, but that's the case for so many things. I know if I sat with a bunch of nazis, I wouldn't understand or relate to what they were talking about.

I discovered that one of the crew goes spear fishing. That, to me, is awesome. In fact, I hope to join him on a trip and test my bravery in the water. Oh man, too much fun!

After dinner, we parted aways; the group and Poon and I. I enjoyed his visit. It was a well-spent couple of days. The crazy pictures featuring him weren't a lie either: he really was the guy having a ton of fun on a world trip. And that's such a good thing when traveling alone. Because if you aren't having fun, you really are alone.

Of course, the next night I was back at work and it wasn't such a good thing. For starters, I was a one-man army against an impressive array of dishes. Later I was almost doubled over in pain after a broom handle attempted to crack my testicles. My apron saved me, diverting the dangerous blunt weapon away and leaving me staring after it in consternation. When I got home, there was no hot water to shower with. Fine, screw you Thursday night.

Back to normal.

- G ζ.

image of a beauty, thoughts of a dream
supposed to be hard and not so simple
eyes of a heaven, lips of a goddess
and now despite myself I fall under

in 50 words or less

The movie 300 is, for lack of super powerful describing words, friggin' awesome. If you haven't seen it yet, I suggest you do before speaking to me. If you don't like it I'm afraid I will need time to consider whether I want to be your friend.

That is all.

road signs

There's something about my car. It's not a particularly interesting or impressive car, nor is it expensive. It's a Mazda 121 "Stripes" edition. The stripes are for speed, even if they aren't very noticeable... anyway, my car has the unique ability to predict coming natural disasters.

I am deadly cereal about this. If you check back to a month ago last year you will notice the story of Cyclone Larry (mending fences is the title). In that entry is a mentioning of my car breaking down at a Stop sign. On the same day a cyclone was discovered off the coast. At the time I figured it was a standard chain of unfortunate events.

On Saturday I was proven wrong.

On Saturday, while taking my brother to his interview, I was met with another chain of events. This time I saw someone at the traffic lights at random - someone I haven't seen for a while. It was a cool coincidence and we drove by each other, both turning in our respective right direction. Thirty minutes later in a car park my car wouldn't start.

I was determined that it was a temporary thing and so I gave it a few minutes to fix itself, or get over whatever rebellious urges it felt. It only took ten minutes before the beautiful sound of the engine working filled my ears. Crisis averted, I began the drive home.

And then I was almost rear-ended by a ute at a green light. Go figure.

By now I was becoming paranoid; wondering what else would almost - or would - go wrong. I joked to my brother about how when my car broke down last time we were witness to the worst cyclone in years - maybe another one was coming? What's really funny is how he checked when we got home; safely, believe it or not.

Then on Monday morning there was an earthquake in the Solomon Islands and the resulting tsunami almost hit Cairns. Almost, just like everything else almost happened.

I would have slept through it too, if my mum didn't burst into the room and fill my half-asleep brain with indigestible information. It's hard to comprehend what "tsunami" means when you can't decide whether you are still dreaming or not.

So, my car can predict natural disasters. When it breaks down, shit goes awry. Actually, it's more complicated than that. There has to be some kind of random incident/accident and the car has to fail in the same journey. I think the time between the two events gives a clue to how long until a natural disaster arrives. Using this information I have deciphered the hidden message in both cases.

The cyclone -
Car hits cockatoo and breaks down later: You will be hit by a natural disaster in a few days, but someone else will suffer a lot more than you.

The tsunami -
Car breaks down temporarily and is almost rear-ended not long after: There is a natural disaster about to happen close by, but you won't be hit by it, although there will be a shake-up for others more effected.

I hope I'm not involved in any accidents that cause my car to break down.

In other news, I am tired of the Cairns Post and its tiresome news articles. A tsunami almost hit! Whoa! That's definitely worth three days of front page material! Oh, our warning system isn't good enough? Well, maybe that's because we don't get tsunamis very often. If ever. That's like saying our tornado warning system isn't good enough. Here's an idea: I'll warn you of any impending doom with my psychic car.

Worse than that was the week-long coverage of the anniversary of cyclone Larry. Newsflash: It didn't hit Cairns. It hit Innisfail. A year ago. Nobody gives a shit except them. The longest I've stayed in Innisfail was thanks to a bus I was traveling on breaking down on the way to Townsville. The highlight was winking at some giggling school girls who passed by. Want to know why it was so devastating? Innisfail is as modern as Darwin was in the '70s when Tracy hit.

I am done.

- G ζ.

If you trust in yourself enough now
And believe in your dreams someway somehow
And you follow your star to the right place
You will still get beaten by those who learned
And worked hard and weren't as lazy as you