casual formalities

I woke up this mornafternoon and decided to post here. Because it's Christmas Eve apparently. Last I remember it was December Somethingth and Christmas was the usual "few weeks away." But now, it's the Eve. Of That Day. What this means is that anywhere after 12am, Santa will arrive on his sled, possibly parking it on the roof and causing structural damage. He will then realise that there isn't a chimney to be found in the entire city and will resort to burglar tactics, ensuring widespread panic and chaos for the next week as investigators attempt to uncover the man behind the large red suit. Last seen heading North with a large suspicious bag in an 1800 model, 6 RP (Reindeer power) sleigh. If I got the number of reindeers wrong, sue me. I will get the best lawyers and reverse the lawsuit.

Thinking about Christmas now is amusing. The childish excitement has long since gone and I'm left with the classic "ba-humbug" syndrome. Also, fanciful fairy tales are funny. Makes me think some homeless person on an acid trip made it up way back when. Of course he got the acid from the future... But I digress from the inevitable link that is right. Over. Here.

While you read that I'm going to go get something to eat.

I assume by the time it took me to reheat last night's dinner and grab a drink that you have finished reading. If not, you are a slow reader or I have become truly talented in reheating leftovers. Or both.

Since you're now full of juicy facts, did you ever notice that alot of the excitement around Christmas is commercial? I swear the directors and board members of companies have orgasms at every major holiday event, because it means more money they can put into a bank that collects dust or becomes part of some dodgy movie involving five intelligent sea urchins and a squid named Chuo. The plot can be stupidified and as long as the word "Christmas" is mentioned somewhere in the title, it's perfect. Just as every product known to man is apparently perfect as a Christmas gift. And they say it's the thought that counts. Bah! I know of cases where it's the after-thought.

Like the dreaded chocolate gift. You will see them in stores before you even know Christmas is a "few weeks away." They seem innocent enough, but you never overlook them. They're cunning marketing schemes. Got nothing else to buy that third cousin, six times removed? Seasonal chocolate gift pack by Cadbury. It's the after-thought that counts. Feel cheap because you didn't spend much on someone, or they got you something and you didn't even think about them? Chocolates.

My warning to you this year, if you wish to never have the title of "Lord Aftah Thort", is to step away from the chocolate display and put those gift ideas where I can see them!

Now, steering away from the day that will be, I am very upset. My chair, nay my Throne, is sitting a meter away from me, with a sad patch of glue giving me hope that it may be used once more. Yes, the chair broke. At the armrest that isn't really rested on. Go figure. If I have to put the big guy down, I will go into mourning with the Buddhist monks I befriended recently. During that time I will also develop a cunning heist plan - I have family contacts in the business of office chairs. There will be balaclavas, sharp witty dialogue and even a sassy chick in the group who makes cold comments at anyone who hits on her, but she secretly wants to bone the leader, which is me.

Or, to save me time you could go out and buy me a new chair seeing as it's my birthday 2 weeks after Christmas. Ah yes, Christmas, New Years and Pary's Birth. Surely the three greatest events in a year. All in one neat package of drinking, eating, mauling intricately-wrapped gifts and admiring girls who have "santa's little helper" outfits on.

On the end note of this rather large clump of textual extravagence, I am unemployed. But! I have a plan. More on that later. Maybe before it is put into action, maybe 6 months after. Until then, I wish you a Mary Christmass and a Happeh Knew Yere. And you can wish me a Happy Birthday in about 2 weeks when I will be "indisposed" and possibly nekkid.