just add water

I am going to teach you how to create a hobo using the following:

- Yourself
- Old clothes (slacks + white, long-sleeved shirt)
- Red wine
- Cotton gloves
- Old shoes

Step 1: Mow the lawn or do some gardening with the new cotton gloves on. Make sure you take extra care to ensure they touch everything, excluding dog crap. That's just gross. If you have thorny plants, caress them so that the gloves tear (make sure nobody is watching...). When you are done, you should go from looking like Michael Jackson to looking like Michael Jackson if he wore the gloves and did the gardening. Cut the fingers off. It's a good idea to take the gloves off first, by the way.

Step 2: While you are still grubby and sweating, find some old clothes. Slacks and long-sleeved shirts tend to work best. Put them on and roll around in the dirt. Do it in other peoples' lawns for fun. If they chase you, it only adds to the authenticity (it also makes a good story nobody would believe).

Step 3: Apply red wine to the front of your shirt. Drink some red wine. Rinse and repeat.

Step 4: Slice and dice the slacks at the knees. Rips look cool and give you breathing holes.

Step 5: Have a shower. While it's fun to pretend you're a hobo, it's not fun to make it hygienically authentic. Seriously. Once you are clean, put the messed-up clothes on.

Step 6: Hopefully you haven't shaved for a week or two, unless you're female. Don't stop shaving if you are female. There is no area visible enough to worry about (unless you often sport facial air, which is disturbing) so just pretend you don't have access to a shaver (or wax) as opposed to being too real.

Step 7: Go to a party where everyone is dressed up as Cleopatra. Expect jokes at your expense, especially when random smells are noticed. You're a hobo now; you just like the attention. Go around giving pearls of wisdom to anyone who will listen.

Note: For added effect, wear a sign that reads: Hug a Hobo. If anything, it distracts people long enough to steal their wallets.

There you have it! An authentic hobo to take to any party that involves vague costume themes. Bring a spare change of clothes and you can continue the show by saying you are now dressed as a reformed hobo (I recommend this before going into the city). Good times, my friend.

At least that's what I had with a similar experience not long ago. Sadly, I must shave for a job interview tomorrow so this impressive mass of hair on my face must be sacrificed to the sink. Another reason being a writer appeals to me: You don't have to clean yourself up for work.

Just crawl out of bed saying "Welp, I'm off to work now!" and disappear for a few hours (or thousand words). Hopefully you don't forget to get dressed or clean before you head out though. I know I won't, because I have a mental checklist: Pants, check. Money, check. Shaved face, screw it; only going to a wedding.

On another note, my gardening saga continues, despite the slight delay putting a stupid wheelbarrow together. Reading the "instructions" hindered the simple task more than it helped.

"Step 11: Oh, btw, did you remember to put the legs on? Should have done that at about Step 2, I think. Don't worry, just undo a bit of frustrating work and pick some nuts and bolts to finish it off once you have the legs on."

You know what? Screw you.

I want to know who wrote that. No, I want to know who edited it - "polished it" - for public use. I hate to imagine the thousands and thousands of similar instruction sheets floating around the place. If I ever see someone putting a wheelbarrow together looking confused and frustrated with a sheet of paper in his/her hand, I will walk up to them, place my hand on their shoulder and say "Let go, my friend. Let go and you will be free; it all becomes clear."

I will motion to the sheet of paper and they will understand my meaning. And then I will slip my jacket (you always need a jacket in these scenarios) over my shoulder and walk off into the sunset. Behind me, the man/woman will have his/her family in their arms, watching me go.

And the world becomes better, one frustrated handyman and handywoman at a time.

That is all.

- G .ζ.

tell me, what is it that drives you?
is it the desire to succeed?
because, really, sometimes...
sometimes I want to fire my chauffeur
and just drive myself