shameless plug

Another week has passed by and where do we all sit now? In chairs, I assume. A week is hardly a long enough time frame to induce change, but here I beg to differ. Once again this wonderful part of the web has a new look. Something about the transparent squares of the last one irked me. I think it was the fact that it had a banner I didn't create myself created this feeling. So it had to go.

This layout is as pleasant as it is modest. I can look at it and imagine sitting in a log cabin on a quiet evening and writing in a journal, with my thoughts as company. Maybe there's a candle lighting the room. It adds a nice touch, but is also a fire hazard when romanticism meets reality.

This week is also a week of realisations. It marks the week where I sit down, exasperated, and declare certain truths to the world, or the wall, whatever listens the best. One such truth is that plugs (the kind that go in bathtubs, sinks and whatnot) inadvertently disappear on me. Some people have pens, others have socks, that vanish over and over. I am fine with socks. As for pens, I am the guy who has all the pens. But not plugs. This week I have been forced to improvise 3 different ways to prevent water from emptying into a drain. I get the feeling I am going to be stretched to the limit as far as this goes.

Nevertheless, being the generous individual that I am, I will share the three methods I have used with success.

Uno: "Almost a Plug Plug" A lid the same size as the drain hole. It has to fit flush, but not tight with the opening. Just slip it in upside-down and pwow! You have a plug. It may seem difficult to get out, but trust me, it is possible as long as you didn't pick a lid that you had to force into the drain hole.

Due: "Pressure Plug" This one is simple. Just imagine putting a brick over a drain hole and apply the same principle with other objects, like a cup or large lid. Place it over the hole and weigh it down. Sometimes you don't even have to use a weight - the water will provide it, as long as you can hold the item in place.

Tre: "Desperate Plug" Plastic wrapping, cloth and a small lid, or similar object, is what you will need. Place the plastic over the hole and put the cloth over the top. Push the cloth down into the hole and apply the small, or similar object to hold it in place while the water is filling.

All three methods work, believe it or not. If they don't, either I fluked it or you aren't doing it right. Experiment! Or just use real plugs.

Another truth is that phones and me do not get along. I dislike answering machines, first of all - it's hard to explain, but there's something about them that doesn't appeal to me. MessageBank is included in this. I believe it could be due to the fact that every mobile I have owned transmits my voice at a frequency humans can't hear. At first I thought I might speak too softly, but this belief has been quashed since I have used both VoIP and a landline with a softer voice and I have never heard the words "I can't hear you."

But mobiles have to be different. I figure when you yell into a phone and the other person can't hear you, it should because they are in a very loud place, like a construction site or standing next to a jet engine at a rock concert. I worked for a place selling phones. Nobody ever came in and said "People can't hear me when I speak." Maybe because they were mute and couldn't, or maybe I am the only one cursed.

Don't even get me started on call barring.

As if the battle of missing plugs and communication wasn't enough, I have discovered that instruction manuals are out to get me. I think the score so far is: Manuals, 4; Greg, 2. The latest attack occurred while trying to start a lawn mower. I know; it's not rocket science. This is just another moment where I should ignore what an instruction manual is saying and figure it out myself, because unless it is rocket science, I don't need the instruction. I felt pretty dumb taking it back into the store to see what was going on. I knew straight away what it was: the manual instructed the reader in a way that was opposite to what works. I don't know what the deal with these things is. Either somebody somewhere is having way too much fun messing with me or I have reading comprehension issues. I am certain it is not the latter. I tend to read things many times before saying "Right, I got this." Now I will stop reading and ritually burn the instruction manuals. And I won't even glance at the instructions on how to use a lighter or box of matches.

Burn baby burn.

- G ζ.

it took me by surprise
such sweetness was conveyed
i fear I may be dreaming
such a gentle kiss to ears
I want to listen a while longer